GET A DOG UP YA!

More boring climbing stuff.

2011-06-16T03:46:00.001-07:00

Photos by Jed Parkes. Thanks Jedi!

So last time I said I would send Street Fighter and I did. Great. Jed was sick as a dog and sending down the odd snot rocket from the top of the cliff using his super zoomo camera. It was worth a little festering snot for those photos.

Thanks to a giant ash cloud hovering over Australia, Simon Young (the guy who is flipping you off at the top of the page) had to stay in Slowbart for a couple more days before flying to Pakiston. He wanted to go on a day mission to the Star Factory to have one more shot at Cockhead Crack. Even though I had an exam the next morning, I was psyched to have a top rope burn on it as well so agreed to go on my first "day trip" to the Star Factory. 2.5 hour drive, hour hike in, hard climbing, hour hhike out, 2 hour drive back. It was worth it to give Youngy a shot.

He did pretty fucking good! Hes got pretty strong lately. Too bad hes going to waste it all jerking off in a hut in Pakistan for the next 6 weeks.

He did good but not good enough! This crack is hard, I guess 30? Its broken up half way with an escapable ledge and sit down rest but the rest of the crack makes it worth getting back online. Not a three star classic but definitely a worthwhile crack. Wow! This is starting to sound like a climbing journal! Time to bitch about dirtbag life.

Im about to buy tickets to the US of Gay to go climb el cap, the hulk, and a few other bits of rock. A few days ago the price from Sydney to LAX went up $300 to $1650. I was gutted. But then yesterday Merry tells me he found cheap tickets to the US from NZ. So I had a look. What I found makes me understand why we are all doomed to drown in a apocalypse driven by a spiraling nightmare of climate chaos... Actually we will probably die of cancer. Anyway, I checked the NZ airfair and it is $1050 AUD to fly round trip from Auckland to Sydney. Hmmm... Interesting. It also costs $160 to fly one way from Sydney to Auckland. So I will save $400 (%25 of my ticket cost) by flying from Sydney to Auckland, then getting on a plane to fly BACK to sydney, then get off a plane and wait a couple hours to then fly to LAX. If a broke loser like me will SAVE $400 by taking a worthless international flight the wrong direction to fly across the planet, what are people who have shit loads of money doing to save even more money? Answer: Wasting all of the world's fossil fuels, pumping CO2 into the air like mad and dooming us to the hell I so recently described.

I dont even give a shit any more. Im saving the $400! In fact, I would take the extra flight if I came out an extra bag of peanuts ahead. I have now resigned myself to existance as a rational wealth maximizer. Its my duty as a sober dual citizen to not fuck with the laws of economics. Next Im volunteering for jury duty.

2011-06-08T22:18:00.000-07:00

It is now 20 days until my reunion with Anna-Véronique. Oh joyous day! It has been a long dark slog of an uphill-both-ways kind of journey to get to this magical moment. I think the pause in writing on this blog is in large part due to the loss of my muse. But as the day grows ever closer, the creative juices start flowing! I wont get into the specific contents of those juices. A couple pics may be worth a word or so.

There was a guy wearing a dress and a funny hat down at the Regatta handing out australian citizenships the other day, so I stood in line and got one. The highlight of the day was free champagne and sandwiches. Apparently, I made the TV news as well.

In my crappy share house I installed a vegie garden on a 20 degree hill with the help of Mr. Dave, a builder of some repute. Unfortunately, we did not foresee how popular these vegies would be to the local wildlife and the little bastards ate everything. Well I love Australian native animals as much as the next guy. Especially when they are minced and formed into gourmet BBQ burgers. What pisses me off is that to protect what amounts to $15 in produce after a 5 month growing period, I am expected to spend even more time and material to keep out animals which I would much rather prefer to eat instead of the handful of beans and spinach I will get out of this crop. I would be better off just leaving the garden as bait in which to catch and kill the hopping BBQ burgers. When I suggested this, many people were shocked and offended that I suggest eating native wildlife! It is just assumed that if you want to do something “sustainable” like grow your own food, it must be more expensive and unwieldy, ecologically ideal, and somehow more ethical than any existing method of food production. These negative comments all came from people happy to go buy plastic-packaged-factory-processed cow meat from safeway. Somehow you fail in food production if you are not a PC organic/animal-loving/hippy. The big problem is that critics(by and large people who DO NOT grow any of their own food)have this huge pretense about "sustainability" and if any aspect of their ideal is failed, it somehow justifies not doing anything. Basically the whole gardening exercise was boring as fuck. The bin diving has been very good, thankfully. However, a group of crazy pig-farmers smashed out the windows of some friends of a friends car while at the local bin. Apparently the pig farmers were defending their turf. Weird shit.

I am staying at this share house determined to finish my degree at UTAS. Soon after the semester started I fell badly while at a party doing some drunken party tricks. This has been a common theme in my life.

However, in this case the injury was diagnosed as a stener lesion. Basically this does not heal without surgery. So I had to get surgery to reconnect my thumbs UCL to the rest of my hand. This was a bad thing with a silver lining. After a week of school I was totally fed up with it and would have dropped out if not for being a cripple. So I was forced to finish the semester and I ended up getting decent grades.
Another good thing about the injury was my new found interest in sobriety. This is by far the worse injury I ever had. Lucky me.

After getting the stitches out, I started hanging out on my new Big Red board. This thing kicks ass!

I tried Jedi’s Beastmaker last night and I know I am new at this training thing but I reckon I get more out of Big Red. I never thought training would be this much fun! Well next Saturday is the time to test out this new found hanging strength.
I got surgery on March 10th So it will be about three months this Saturday and I plan on getting Street Fighter 28! Yeah I know 28 is not hard but that’s about as hard as I ever climbed so Im pretty psyched for it! Sobriety and training… It is a strange life. Even my rants are starting to make sense. Weird. Its been two months or so of sobriety. I spent a month after the accident feeling sorry for myself. Now Ive found coffee! Wow! Its like the exact opposite of beer! No shit? Well, Im pretty slow on the upswing, but its never too late in this crazy world energized by the insane waste of the entire planets billion year supply of fossil fuels! Have fun out their kiddies!

Just like the Greatful Dead. Another comeback tour! Plus- A Tassie Film Beat the Favrisse Brothers in Brussels

2011-05-02T23:11:00.000-07:00

So Im not dead. im getting better! In fact, I just recovered from surgery. No, they did not sew my mouth shut, but Im sure some people would like that. This little story is what inspired my revival of the blog:

There has been a 18 year old kid from Belgium ripping up Austrlia lately. That would be Merlin Didier. Great kid. I met him at Arapiles in December. One day I was lounging around the Pines nursing a hangover when Gandalf comes running up (remember the guy who wanted to climb the totem pole a month ago? Painted Green? Ed the Scottish giant? We called him Gandalf because when he sat in camp on those little chairs with us he looked like Gandalf sitting with the hobbits!) and stutters out, "Do you know CPR?"

This is never a good question to be asked outside of a job interview. That said, it is NEVER a good question to be asked.

Apparently Gandalf was belaying Merlin on an old crappy climb on the front of the Pharaohs to get up to Aftermath Roof. Somewhere up the middle of this chosspile Merlin dislodges a boulder the size of the Balrog which crashes down the cliff, with Merlin close behind! Gandalf dives out of the way, narrowly dodging the Balrog boulder. This time, he let the Balrog pass. Gandalf was unscathed, but what about our other conjurer of cheap tricks? Merlin took a bouncy little 15 metre tumble and was lying in a pool of blood when I got to him. Fortunately Merlin did not need CPR. With the help of Gandalf and the rest of the little hobbits from the Tas Uni Climbing Club, we called in The Great Eagles to fly Merlin's soul from the lady of the lake and sent him riding through the air into the healing arms of the House of Elrond (000, helicopter ride to the Alfred, if ya dont speak Tolkein).

Anywho, turns out Merlin just had a swollen brain. My hangover that morning was actually quite a bit more serious. So after a $20000 helicopter ride and business class tickets back to Camalot/Brussels, Merlin came back to Oz to finish his little trip. Long story short, Gandalf moved out of my little Hobart Hole and Merlin moved in. Lucky for Merlin, as you all know, April's weather was amazing. So he filmed all the climbing he did and made a movie about it and then entered the movie in a film festival via my wireless internet account (which cost me more than the prize money). And he won! The link is below. Its pretty good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4yTRdnZQEA

2010-10-30T15:08:00.000-07:00

All things come to an end. Good and bad. Actually, there is no such thing as good and bad. We just make these up as we go. And this bunch of bullshit that I have been making up as I go is now gone. Good bye blog.

Freerider AKA Aidrider

2010-06-26T18:29:00.000-07:00

Anna and me decided to make a trip to Yosemite and try our hand at bigwalling. The post below describes our first attempt. This is our second effort. This photo sums up the effort beautifully and not just because Anna is in the shot. :)These photos were from a generic disposable camera which I smashed open on accident. Pretty bad quality but the subject matter makes up for it!

My second trip to the valley was an eye opener. 4 years ago my first time was with my usual attitude to climbing: I showed up with little more than a desire to climb some things and have a lot of fun. I thought I might try Astroman. I walked into to camp 4 with my gear and paid little attention to the sign that said CAMP FULL. I left my bag at the empty booth and strolled through camp. Within 5 minutes I ran into a mate I had met from Squamish. He told me the ins and outs of the camping and hooked me up with a camp site. I never climbed Astroman that trip but I had lots of fun. I climbed long routes every day, then got pissed on Cobras and passed out by the camp fire through the Autumn. I eventually climbed the Rostrum route and Astroman was on the cards, but I left the valley for Joshua tree where I met up with a naked fire spinner and her infamous straight jacket.

This trip I was determined to climb the Freerider. A couple years ago I had a big climbing day with Jakey B from tassie before he went to the valley and he ended up smashing the route when he got there. When he got back, he said I would probably have a good shot at it... Even after he had "altered" one of the crux pitches by breaking off a hold.

After our first botched effort followed by more crap weather we went up as soon as it stopped raining. The route was wet and I ended up pulling on gear or properly aiding 12 of the pitches. I swore some were impossible because of the wet. As usually happens in climbing, as soon as you swear its impossible some swiss guy who has the build of an action doll comes behind you and frees it onsight.

This was our bivy at the round table. Must be nice with a portaledge. We strung up a rope like a web with our asses hanging over a 800 metre drop. Kinda comfy!

5
on the hollow flake for an evening of Glasnost with the Russians. Nostrovia! We shared the Hollow Flake and the Block bivy with these guys. Very nice. It was interesting to hear them screaming profanities at each other in Russian.

Anna-V led the last pitch and in keeping with the style of our ascent AIDED the 5.6 move to the top!

After five days on the wall we summited El Capitan! Cedar Wright (who we met in Arapiles) took the shot and it was a cool little moment. He was working golden gate and living on the top with his mate Nick.

WARNING: ETHICS RANT BELOW! DO NOT READ IF EASILY BORED!

After me and Anna climbed the Freerider, I took a few days off then went up again with Tobias Wolf from Dresden. We hauled to heart and slept. Woke up at 4AM and got to the spire in one day with no falls. I didnt free four pitches but Tobias freed everything. The dihedral was top roped and he got the boulder pitch in 2 shots after top rope. Finished in 3 days. It was fun... Escept the part where I threatened to kill him. Not really, but their were moments of tension.

I recently watched Blood Sweat and Bagels again to show my mom some of what we climbed. I had forgotten just how badly they got pummeled! Not that we didnt get our buts kicked as well, it's just reassuring to see real "rock climbers" struggle on this route. Freeing el cap is not easy. "No shit", you say? Well "Ingvar Says" Freerider is pretty much a trade route. Now this is interesting.

In BS&B these fellas originally had their little hearts set on the Salathe route. They abseiled in and top roped the headwall. This is not terribly controversial. The fact that some climbers have gone for the onsight or at least ground up ascent is inspiring, but the way the poms did it is the way most people(almost everyone)who wants a realistic chance of freeing Salathe will approach the route. However, they went up freeblast then rapped off and came back to haul up. Eventually they gave up on the idea of Salathe and went for Freerider. Not a big deal, but read on and you will see my point.

Not to talk too much shit about this, but Zac V from the Blue Mountains tried the salathe ground up the first time he was in the valley. He didnt free it but he tried. Hats off. Why is this a big deal? Cuz their was alot of people who rapped by us or jugged passed us to get to pitches in the middle of el cap so they could "work" them for a one day ascent. This last season in the valley opened my eyes to the fact that it still takes the best climbers in the world to free el cap ground up. Freerider IS NOT a trade route. There were probably less than a dozen teams to free El Cap in various styles while I was there. A few of those were one day ascents after heaps of working the route, stashed gear, etc. Zac V. sent Freerider this trip with one fall going from the ground and leading every pitch.

The point of this rant is a BIG congrats to Lee and Lowry, Jake and Ben, and Zac V. for the ground up sends. Folks in the valley are still talking about their visits. After I send Freerider I may try for a day ascent as well. Its kind of strange that there were very few people freeing el cap this season. Maybe it is too easy to even bother with!

see ya later kids!

Salathe, Bloody Salathe

2010-06-10T17:38:00.000-07:00

Back in the USA. What a shit hole.

After making a B-line to Yosemite (the only interesting place in Kalifornia)and being reunited with Anna-V, it was all systems go for El Capitan! Ufortunately, due to gimpyness brought on by old age and alcoholism, I was in no shape for free climbing. But thanks to the absolutely shit weather we had here in "sunny" Kalifornia it didn't make much difference cuz there was no climbing anyway! We arrived to see Garry and Alex from Tassie going ape-shit from cabin fever.

Between blizzards and monsoons we got in some climbing as I limped to the crag. Gaz and Alex aided the nose and then were evicted from the valley upon return. Oh yeah, before I forget... Id like to give a big FUCK YOU to rangers everywhere, but especially the cunt who works in the box at camp 4.

After healing up a bit and dropping $700 on big wall gear, we were ready for el capitan! Our first big wall would be Salathe. After looking at the diagram on the protraction we figured out how to haul our gear up to the heart ledge. Jugging up the ropes took a little more time to get down, but no biggie. We rapped back down and climbed freeblast with one fall... Kind of funny though. It was on one of the slabs passed a little roof and up to bolts. I spent some time on the roof as the gear is fiddly, and I guess Anna thought that was the crux so she starts eating a chocolate bar. When I get to real crux and slip off I fall and fall and start running backwards down the slab! I look down to see Anna has shoved the candy bar in her mouth and first feeds slack then takes in. :) Pretty funny.

I climbed the hollow flake in tennis shoes but forgot the socks and still scraped my ankle up. The pitch is a bit involved and us big wall bumblies took 5 hours to get from heart to the hollow flake ledge. Considering the entire route has been climbed in 4.5 hours I am a little humbled. That said, I know some of these speed ascents are a little questionable. And they probably don't have time for sex at the belays, which kind of cheapens the experience. Anyway, both our teams end up getting in each others way and in the evening we are log jammed at the alcove with the Austrians above us on the spire and another unknown team quickly catching up with us from below. All 3 teams meet in the middle of El Capitan, 500 metres off the deck.

We had decided to bivy in the Alcove even though there was plenty of light left. I was tired and the logistics of climbing over another team were boring the shit out of me. We figured we would get some sleep and let the other teams well and truly pass us. So I was sleeping when the other team reached the alcove. I mumbled some apology about our gear being a mess and he said he was French and didnt speak english so proceeded to lead up the chimney to the spire with his belayer 10 meters on the cliff below. Alot of parties finish the pitch this way. I glanced up at him once to see him cruising up the chimney before I lied back down to sleep. A bit of conversation from the spire drifted down to me and then I heard a very odd noise. A kind of -fwipp! fwipp! fwipp!- and then -THUD!-. It sounded to me as if someone up there had dropped a haul bag! If only.

Anna screamed something and I looked up to see Frenchie dangling upside down unconscious about 2 meters above a big slab behind the spire. The odd noise I heard was the rope flaking out as he fell and the thud was him whacking the cliff. Well, that woke me up. I wasn't wearing a harness but I threw on my shoes and ran up to see what I could do. I knew that you don't live long in his position. As I scrambled up the slab I screamed down to his unseen belayer, "Lower him! Lower him slowly!" The poor guy below responded, "Lower who? Jeano! Jeano! Are you OK?" Anna explained the situation to the belayer quite well because in the minute it took me to get up to Jeano, he was getting lowered slowly. I cradled him in my arms to keep him horizontal. This guy looked pretty bad. Lots of blood, near totally unconscious, and breathing raggedly and irregular. I screamed up at Stephan to help us and for someone to call "triple zero"... Kind of stupid cuz emergency is 911 in the USA!

Stephan came down and we spend a couple ineffective minutes rigging a chest harness and trying to lower this fella down to the bivy spot on the alcove. It is difficult because one of his legs is stuck in the slab. The belayer quickly joined Anna at the alcove and I can hear him talking on the phone with search and rescue. At this stage, me and Stephan realize that without some complicated rig we cannot free his leg to lower him down the slab. While we are struggling to quickly free Jeano I hear the belayer respond to a question, "I am sorry, I do not know his heart rate". Realizing the call is worthless I yell down to the belayer, "Hang up on them and get up here and help us!" He replies, "Yes, but there is no security, no rope..." To which I retort, "Its easy! Stop being a pussy and get up here and help us!".

With the belayer, a swiss climber named Tibalt, the four of us quickly got Jeano to the bivy. Two of us weighted the lead line, which was tied off at the belay 10 meters down the cliff, and freed his leg. Then Anna cut the lead line and Stephan lowered him by hand as me and Tibalt walked him down the slab to the bivy. Anna grabbed all our sleeping gear and prepared as warm a spot as possible for Jeano. We were able to lower him onto his back in the bivy spot and his head rested between my legs. So now we had him sorted out and ready for the helicopter rescue. We saved a man's life and could probably finish the route! All we had to do was call the rescue boys back and tell them, "One to go!" Turns out... Not so fucking easy.

Tibalt called emergency and I heard him say "His complexion? I do not know. His face is covered in blood". Now I am a bit impatient because the conversation does not contain any, "Yeah. See ya guys soon! Thanks for the rescue!" So I get the phone and tell the operator,"Right. This is NOT a minor hiking accident. We are on El Cap Spire with a DYING man. He is not dead yet but he needs a helicopter evacuation RIGHT NOW! If you do not get up here RIGHT NOW, he will probably die." To which, the operator informed me that they do not enact rescues like this at night and we would have to wait until morning for a helicopter rescue. Not fun.

The night proved cold and wet in the alcove. For the first hour, Jeano coughed up blood and vomited until empty then dry heaved. Tibalt thought he "would not pass the night." His head wound was pissing with blood and 2 first aid kits and a t shirt were quickly soaked. It took a minute to find the wound and properly apply pressure. After 30 minutes of compression, we shifted Jeano to a better position and lifted the bandage to look at the wound. Blood pumped out at a steady pace. Tibalt then adjusted the bandages and put as much pressure as he dared on Jeano's head. Over an hour later, Tibalt was exhausted and had to rest.

We commandeered a stashed bag of bivy gear and Tibalt rested himself in a warm bag. I checked the wound and was relieved to see it had almost entirely stopped bleeding. The night passed slowly and at first light, the helicopters started coming. The ensuing rescue by Yosemite Search and Rescue was conducted efficiently and without any drama. The guys that rescued Jeano were cool. However, these are law enforcement rangers as well as rescue and they enjoy busting climbers camping illegally. Its the same deal with cops. %2 of what they do is cool and %98 is bullshit. Anyway, we moved him into a gurney and a chopper came and plucked him off the cliff.

After the rescue, a lack of motivation coupled with blood soaked gear forced us to retreat. The prognosis for Jeano?

FULL-RECOVERY

Thanks to Tibalt and Stephan and Anna. Thanks to YOSAR, including the dozen people at the summit ready for Plan B: Two 500 meter abseils!

Some snaps

2010-04-12T19:24:00.000-07:00

This is grug and katrin at the Ben Lommond hut. Its a cozy little shot of a cozy little couple in a cozy little cabbin.

Like the glass frame of the lithograph that appears in the top right corner of this image, Young Neilse is a broken spider web of facade, beneath wich lies a purity of form that belies the cracked and rugged exterior.

MY LINE! Gaurded by these wedge-tailed eagles, this spire has not been touched by human hands. Do not worry my pretties, soon I will be back from the abyss that is the USA.

Grug edits the latest edition of the Ben Lommond guide book.

Anna's spring fashion statement.

Save the starving climbing hippies, PLEASE?

2010-04-12T18:49:00.000-07:00

This young man is forced to eat fried haloumi with avocado for breakfast using a dirty silver spoon. For only $50 a day you could provide him with the tools he needs to keep his silver in tidy condition.

Here we have Neils Tsetse and his meager 8 egg omelet. This meal is meant to last this frail skeleton of a man for THREE HOURS until lunch with possibly only an odd snack or two in the meanwhile. Shocking. Notice the "poor man's" version of Tabasco sauce he is using! You can help stop this!!!!

This hollow waif is a refugee from Germany. Known only as "Anna-Veronique L'hoest" she is forced to spoon her leatherwood honey into her cup of Rooibos tea with a broken spork. For shame!

Lastly we have the ultimate horror. Resorting to cannibalizing his fellow climbers, Crazy John has leaped off the cliff of sanity in a base jump to starvation-induced madness!!!!

Please return climbers to their normal state of spoon consumption. Donate today. Or at least leave your bins UNLOCKED!!! And perhaps start throwing out old beer.

Thank you.

POSTS RESTORED

2010-04-08T19:28:00.000-07:00

Ok so the posts are back up. I cant believe I let Rock magazine talk me into taking them down anyway!!! They didnt even put the photo of Anna in. Maybe next issue. Well thats too fucking far away for me not to share her story with the world. Not that anyone even reads this horrible blog anyway. Well anyway, if there is anyone reading this, the post appears in the order I wrote it down the page a bit... No naked pics if you were wondering.

Simeys Cafe is up and running. I will go by tonight and crash it, get Gerry real drunk and make him buy us some beers. Then go squat at Wally's place. Should be fun! I think its a good time for SUSHI NIGHT!! Thanks for the jacket Young Gun! Its already paid for itself. ;) Sorry bout your climbing partner shattering his ankle.

Now that I am writing I guess I should write something. My finger is still hurt. This is boring... Ok more to come soon! PASSPORT TO INSANITY!

Frenchmans Cap in a Day

2010-02-21T19:28:00.001-08:00

Chimes of Freedom is a day mission. Pleasant 50 km hike and a fun 250 M rock climb in between makes for another good day out in Tasmania. 2 years ago Me, Deano, Jakey B and Gaz P. travelled to the far west for a few days of climbing at Frenchman's Cap. We had beautiful weather and me and Deano climbed one route a day, 9th of January (with variants!),the Lorax, and Chimes of Freedom. After climbing the Lorax, we felt Chimes could have been a solo. Gary and Jake made a few comments about Frenchmans in a day and it stuck in my beedy little brain for the last two years.

Last year I rafted the Franklin river with the Tas Uni Rafting Club. Awesome group of folks, pics should be posted soon if GRADY ever sends em!!! Anyway, on that trip we summited Frenchman's from the Irenabyss and the idea of rafting in and climbing a route on Frenchies than walking out was discussed. The thought of soloing Frenchman's in a day kept circling in my mind. I decided to do it early Feb and started watching for a weather window.

I did no run training all of last year except for a footie practice in Natimuk so I decided to get in one run before the 50km round trip. I ran about 14 K and could barely walk for the next two days! So on Friday I was still sore while Alex and Will drove me and Anna up to Frenchies. They were dropping us off on the way to finish bolting and climb a new route in the Tyndall's. Which they subsequently completed: 7 pitches 165M 22 all bolted called How Hard Can It Be.

Meanwhile, I was sore and hungover from dodgy homebrew and a late night of bin diving. Saturday morning I woke up late and left the Hwy at 7:21 AM. I took a couple thermal shirts, a pair of shorts, shoes chalk, 2 Candy Bars and a banana. No water bottle as 300 CM of rainfall a year makes it pointless. I got to Tahune before noon but had an epic climbing Sydney route so retreated and climbed Chimes of Freedom (17) instead. It took 4 hours for the climbing and got back to the ranger station at the hwy 9:18 pm. Sub 14 hours. Im a bit sore but now in good shape to start run training!

I got back and couldn't find anna so I started screaming for her which was pretty stupid considering she is hard of hearing. I walked back from the Hwy and looked for her again. She was camped in an obvious spot but in my tiredness I missed her! Well the boys who gave us the ride from Hobart had finished their new route early and waited for me til 8PM then bailed back to Hobart. Don't blame em! Young Will had just started back at high school and had homework due on Monday. Anyway, the first car that drove by Frenchman's gave us a ride to New Norfolk, then 5 minutes at the roundabout we got a lift to Glenorchy, then bus to Hobs. Total cost of trip: $2.40 and some sore legs.

Id like to thank my sponsors...
Dready Ben from the Blueis who gave me a pair of shoes he got from a guy on the West Coast Track.
Jedi who loaned us his car so we could bin dive and that got me the banana and candy bars.
Stubley who gave me the little bullet backpack that carried everything.
Alex and Will who drove us out.
Anna having pasta cooked on my return. And always believing in me.
Jakey B and Gaz for the idea in the first place.
And everyone in Tas who is Psyched!
See ya out there!As you can tell Im scared shitless. 12 seconds in you can see the old piton on the traverse. Wish I had better pics but it turned out to be WAAAYYY more committing than I thought. :)

Posts Removed

2010-02-18T14:46:00.000-08:00

Random shot of Jedi on Golem(20)Watchtower Face Mt. Arapiles

Took down some posts because they are being used in a real publication.

I am soloing Frenchman's Cap tomorrow. Should be fun. :) See ya out there!

All About Anna

2010-02-14T20:05:00.000-08:00

Anna Veronique L’hoest is a 22 year old Christian from a little village in Western Germany. She had just finished a Bachelors degree majoring in History and after saving a bit of money working as a Judo instructor, she left Germany to fulfil her lifelong dream of exploring Australia. She arrived in Melbourne on a long weekend in March 2009 but after one night of drunken backpackers, she was over it! So she packed her bags and took a bus to Araps. All she knew about Arapiles was that it was a popular climbing area. She had spent the last year climbing weekends in the gym in Dusseldorf and had with her shoes, harness and belay device. 6 months later she on sighted Wizard of Ice, a burly grade 20 crack. If you don’t know about this climb, ask someone. It still spits out people with 30 years climbing experience. She also managed to “redpoint”, (placing gear on lead) a few classic trad lines, Squeakeasy (22) being the proudest.
Another shot of Squeakeasy 22

If her passion for climbing is impressive, her love of dirtbagging is even more amazing! Hanging out with Crazy John, Grug and Deano in the Pines, we introduced her to bin-diving and the underworld of getting by on the dodge. In short time we turned this innocent young Christian German into a raging dirtbag climber! She even appeared in a music video about bin diving (soon to be released).

Her first climbing road trip was up to frog buttress (where we narrowly survived THE stupidest and lamest rangers in Oz) and back down via Nowra (where we lived in a cave) and the Blue Mountains (14 in a 2 bedroom holiday home in Leura then bandit camped at centennial glen). On this trip she consistently onsighted grade 19 trad and redpointed 21 sport. For a girl that could do maybe 2 pull-ups and with only 6 months lead-climbing experience, I reckon this was quite an achievement. Our road trip landed us back in (you guessed it!) Arapiles! Another 3 months and many climbs later the weather worsened in Vic but got good in Tas, so Anna was off to Tasmania!

It was as if all of her climbing experience had led up to the moment she touched the dolerite cliffs of Tasmania. For her first climb, one day after stowing away on the ferry across the Bass Straight, I introduced her to Ben Lomond. She onsighted the three pitch megaclassic Raja 18. Her next climb was her first new route. The second pitch to a 3 pitch climb. It is a 20 meter grade 17 fist crack called Between Heaven and Earth. Gerry N. is happy to know his Christian naming convention is still alive… Our next trip to Ben Lomond was to Africa where Anna attempted a ground up first ascent of a 140 meter cliff on the Asgard buttress. Since we had forgotten our nut tools, Anna was scraping out gear placements with a tent peg. She pulled through the 21 crux then slipped off. She lowered down, pulled the ropes and back up she went! After she fell again, I took over and was amazed at her effort. I took the lead and Anna followed the rest of the route with only one hang. It turned out to be a spectacular climb! We called it Ragnarok 22. Besides Roxanne Wells, Anna is the only female to lead first ascents in Ben Lomond. Instead of “Men of the Ben”, The new guidebook will need a section titled “Women of the Ben!”

Back in Hobart, Anna on-sighted Atlantis 21 at the lost world. She then redpointed her first 23 at a local sports crag in Hobart. She is very motivated to go back to Africa and climb some more new long routes, ground up (we leave in a few days). We will go to Yosemite Valley in May and climb El Capitan.

In less than a year, Anna has become one of the leading women in traditional rock climbing in Australia. She is also hearing impaired and deaf without hearing aids. Keep dreaming Ozzie girls! There’s more to life than bolts and plastic.
Bolts and Plastic :) Bad Habits 23 Jed Parkes took the shot.

American Tourist Bunjee Jumps Remote Tassie Cliff

2010-02-09T16:14:00.000-08:00

Fresh from a suicidal rampage at Mt. Arapiles, Victoria, Utah chap(NOT a mormon)Neilse Tsetse flies off near the top of a new route FALLING A FULL 50 METERS, passing the semi-hanging belay where yours truly just finished dry humping the cliff while getting jerked in from repeated gear ripping out.

I met Neilse at Araps. He seemed like a nice guy so I passed on the Tarp TeePee to him. For not being a christian he has a pretty good handle on mortality. After taking the ground fall on Lois Lane and narrowly escaping the same on Ride Like the Wind, Neilse decided to fly to Hobart to finish the job.

Although we never climbed together, I could tell he was solid. And not just because hes 5'10 and weighs 200 pounds. You can kind of tell the way someone climbs by conversation, kind of. Personally, it becomes obvious if I can trust a person after a short talk. Ive heard that within 5 minutes of conversation a woman will determine wether she will or wont have sex with someone. There is a definate correlation with climbing partners. Especially if you also plan on having sex with them! In Neilse case, it was all about the climbing ;) Besides... He had his hands full!
Nice camping spot! Remarkable Cave, Mt. Brown, Tasmania. This is Neilse with a girl who made that 5 minute decision....

So our first route together was a new one on the Ruwenzori face at Africa in Ben Lommond National Park. If your one of the 20 or so people who have climbed there, then sorry for borring you with the details. If not, read on! From Denison Crag its a short walk over the plataeu to the cliff. Its out there!
Anna walking along the "obvious" track from Africa.

Africa is an interesting crag. The place demonstrates the amazing variety of climbing that Dolerite provides. Although there are cracks that split the faces, these generally fuse up or fizzle out to blankness. With perseverance and imagination, however, the lines and the gear will appear! Ruwenzori is a 200 meter high cliff with 160 meters of near vertical shear cliff. Me and Gerry Narkowitz had put up a new line straight up the guts of this cliff a couple weeks prior. Kilamanjaro goes at 25 with the crux 3 pitches up on GOOD gear that was all placed on lead. This is a story in itself, but not as juicy as the one your about to hear! This photo shows a little bit the sheer nature of the cliff. Basically, its flat enough to take a 50 meter fall and not die.
This is me on the first pitch of the "Neilse Tetse Memorial Route".

I had spied an awesome flake left of this that I thought was the cool but harder way up to the 25 pitch. This is what I climbed to start off me and Neilse route. It was scary but still not over the top. 40 meter 22. Dont fall. The next pitch is Neilse. Anna and Gerry N. are climbing above us and to the right on Ruwenzori route-the Bob Mac classic!- They took the photos on Anna's camera. *Thanks Anna!* Me and Neilse are having a laugh, telling fart jokes, etc. Just a day at the crag! Hes got plenty of gear in and even one of them is good! The yellow alien is a "bomber" piece. 25 meters up Neilse is contemplating the exit moves to a good ledge and gear. Gerry N. is observing from 50 meters above. Gerry yells down, "Ya got a good ledge just above ya, mate!". No shit. Well not for long anyway! Neilse goes for it and pulls off most of the ledge! I duck for cover as the rocks smash by and I feel several tugs as the gear Neilse is ripping out pulls me into the cliff. I hear repeated screams coming by and its that crazy sound like a car passing by honking its horn while my leader zips passed the belay. I have enough time to realize hes ripped all the gear and wait a tangible agonizing second for the belay to go as well, but I get one final bash into the cliff as the lonely little nut neilse placed off the belay does its job and holds. Looking 25 meters down at Neilse, 15 meters off the deck, I asked him if he was ok. Gerry and Anna saw the whole thing. Gez was certain he was watching a man die.
This is where Mr. Kamikaze ended up after his epic bungee.

Apparently what happened is that Neilse, tainted by his pig hunting exploits in New Zealand and inspired by their extreme sports craze, decided that the first Bungee Jump in Ben Lommond would be much more proud than the first climbing ascent! Well we packed it in right there. Fuck that shit! The fun wasnt over though. As you can tell from this photo there was a Mongolian style cluster fuck with the gear and ropes.
Clusterfucking Mongolian Style.

After the fall I quickly noticed that the rope had been pulled through a flake as well and the sheath had been mostly stripped from a 2 meter section! Surprisingly the core seemed to be intact, so we just continued the retreat. What else could we do? :)
Goodbye rope.

I had to untie and pull up one end of the rope through the ball of shit then drop it down the cliff to lower Neilse to the ground. As luck would have it when I dropped the rope, it bullwhipped poor nelise in the balls. One more scream of pain! :) Then I made two dodgy raps to the ground and we walked back to camp. It was a pretty relaxed atmosphere after the fall. We had a few sips of whiskey from Neilse flask. I kept telling him he was dead and that, like in the sixth sense movie, all the conversations just seemed to be directed at him! The next morning we broke camp and went to Launy. Neilse contemplating mortality.

So what do you do after narrowly avoiding death? Eat chocolate then get drunk! We dropped our gear off at Danger Darren's boat in the Launceston yacht club, then I took Anna and Neilse to the Chocolate Studio where my friend Alec is the chef. Thanks for the Awesome deserts bro! Sorry about the blood on the sofa... :) We had chocolate and beer, then put Neilse on a bus to convalesce at Fitzroy while me and Anna climbed Hillwood.Whats left of Neilse pants afgter the fall. Interesting about the pants. Squib acquired them at the Hobart tip shop for free. They then resided at the Pines for several months until Neilse found them. They died a valiant and honerable death on Heimdall crag. They currently reside in Valhalla.

It only took a week and he was back at it. Flashed a couple 25's and nailed two routes on Mt. Brown in a day. Liz and Anna at the top of Mt Brown. Just another spectacular, beautiful, glorious day in little Tassie!

Last I heard, he was planning an all gear ascent of Serpentine, except the falls would be a little boring.... See ya out there!

And in other news, heres a pic of my mate Jed cruising Gollum on watchtower face.

SUMMIT FEVER

2009-11-20T15:28:00.000-08:00

So what do you do when you have a bum finger, an awesome climbing partner, and a day of high 30's temperature at Mt. Arapiles? CATCH SOME SUMMIT FEVER BABY! Its a heck of lot better than catching Danish AIDS.... The following summit shots were well inspired by a very funny summary of appropriate summiting from this website, and, of course, this man...

Woke up early. The sun was relentless and determined to stop us. We were,however, determined to not relent and relentlessly fought against the sun with only one thought in our minds. That thought was to not relent. And we didnt! That is to say- we did do it-. Well heres the story, anyway. First stop was Tip Toe Ridge. Two summits for the price of one! This is our shadows atop THE pinnacle of "Pinnacle Face".

Then it was off to the Pharos. We climbed the Shroud and got up to the cool little cypruss tree you can see from the ground.

On to death row! Staring over at punks wall. Maybe someday.... :)

Voodoo buttress was next. What a climb! The final roof crack was good, but Anna's handstand on the summit was alot more impressive.

From this climb forward, the day takes on a different tone. As the realization that we might actually achieve the unachievable of all twelve summits in day, our minds were like phasers set to stun, and the summits were meddlesome aliens getting in the way of our James T. Kirkesque libidousness zeal for otherworldly sex. As seen here, after the technically challenging and mentally fatiguing Trapeze climb, we summited the majestic Castle Crag. This powerful "Double Teacup Pose" captures the seriousness of the ascent.

After climbing through the mighty Keyhole and catting about the Mouse we were obviously quite excited. I unleash a primal scream as Anna does her best to browbeat the camera into submission. The sun is starting to take its tole. Barely able to find the grade 4 scramble to the top we still have enough energy to present the mighty "Double Over-Under".

Anna lead the way with Blockbuster and on we summited to Bluff Major. This was the climb that litterally "breaks the back" of the proverbial summit fever day. It was symmetry in motion as we reversed poses for the sister summit of Bluff Minor. I happily concede with a frowny "Under" to Anna's imposing "Over".

The next peak was John's Pinnacle. Anna climbed up but has spent quite a bit of time on this particle knob. Well there is no need to show photos of this... However, if your interested in pics of John's pinnacle or Anna's twin peaks, email credit card details.

Here Anna demonstrates the "Bent-Over-Backward" attitude required to make this day happen. Summiting Reaper Buttress after the horrifying sandbag, Red Parrot Chasm.

This is Minstrel pinnacle. We danced our way up this and took in some exposure. No time for the skin flute, sadly. Only two more to go and losing light!

Caught the shadow of the pinnacle again. Very arty. This really says something. A very moving photograph with a gorgeous interplay of greens and blacks. A subtle hint of tanniny undertones brings to mind a flowering spring on a welsh hillside with a small goat perhaps, gamboling in the sun.

Another exposure shot. Its higher than it looks! With only one more summit to topple we march confidently up to D Minor pinnacle only to find it being "climbed" by two canadians!!! THE HORROR!!!!!!!

After chatting with a friendly but slightly bumbly kanuk, we realized they would be a little while. So with a couple hours of light left we went to the teepee for tea and a snack. When we came back they were finishing and had left a couple pieces of gear in the route for us! After pulling them out for the poor troubled canadians, we finally summitted in the dark. The day was finished and WE WERE VICTORIOUS! 12 summits. 650 metres of climbing. Lots of fun! Is this day for everyone? Sure! All you need is a pile of rocks,a camera and photoshop.

Torture and Boredom

2009-11-11T18:56:00.001-08:00

This is were I live. A teepee made out of a bunch of discarded tarps. I have injured my finger and am forced to rest. I am bored. When you live in a tarp teepee at arapiles and can't climb, things go downhill faster than a chicken running through Ethiopia. I injured my finger on Ethiopia.

This is Anna. She puts up with me. Why? I dont know. Chess passes the time but eventually gets boring.

This is another game I came up with. It involves tying all of Anna's underwear high in a tree and watching her try to get them down. Its alot of fun!

Me and some bird friends came up with another game. This little birdy lost the game. I hope I can go climbing soon. I think the bird does to.

Photos Of Events That Have Transpired

2009-11-09T21:06:00.000-08:00

This is Merry on squeakeasy. He got it onsight.

This is Anna soloing Dunes. We passed 6 climbers en route.

I chewed 20 pieces of gum to make this. Possibly the proudest moment of my day.

A bunch of stoners took over the Jenolan caves in the blue mountains. Oh yeah. I should mention in passing that it was Claire Tetleys 28th birthday as well. 25th. Whatever.

Anna nailing Squeakeasy 22. Not bad for a girl who can barely do a pull up! At this stage she had been leading trad routes for 6 months, mostly at araps.

Anna and Geoff shared a moment at new image wall.

Beauty before age. Mini moon hill in the background. Probably the only truly touristy thing I did all year but man those jenolan caves are STUNNING!! Thanks Dave for dragging everyone out.

Anna knitted a beany. The materials cost $5 not including the needles. I have three beanies that cost me $0. I dont knit. Cute though.

Solo days

2009-11-09T19:10:00.000-08:00

I feel tired. Stiff. Its hot. I have Danish AIDS. (Explanation; (THIS POST HAS BEEN CENCORED BY THE DANISH SOCIETY OF UNFUN)I'm suppose to climb Ethiopia today. So to get out of the sun, me and Jed go up to cecilia wall and I climb Intrancience. Jed climbs John's Corner. Fun. So tired. What about a 25 on Cecilia wall? They look pretty good... No excuses! Project awaits! March down the gully. Into the sun. Tired. Get to the cliff. Its actually kind of shaded! Go through the traverse of India and hang. Try the crux a couple times. No good. No energy. Oh well. Im already up here, might as well try it. The first crux of Ethiopia is about 24 and is a left high-step to blind stab at a left sidepull. I go for the sidepull and hit it! Now just got to get a good right crimp.... CHHRHHCK!! CHRK! MY FINGER! I scream and fall off. Having previously damaged pulleys in most of my fingers, I knew instantly what I had done. I just got Jed to lower me off and sulked back to camp to talk fingers with Rodriguez Rollins.

This leads to ticklists. Deano Rodriguez is an expert at destroying his precious fingers. An overzealous climbing sprit coupled with an under-developed set of finger pulleys has given Rodriguez alot of down time. Some of this time he uses to write interesting songs, some he spends vandalizing dunnys or setting off early morning pyrotechnic displays for sleeping campers. Often times, however, you will find Rodriguez Chavez pouring over climbing guides compiling esoteric tick lists. Some are wish lists. Some are "Top Ten" some "Top Fifty". The interesting lists lately are those that people on light-duty can complete without aggravating their finger injuries. One list is the "Climb a Route From Every Area in the Araps Guidebook in a Day" which gives the participant quite a variety to balance quality with difficulty. Another list is a climb from every letter of the alphabet in a day. Very "doable" at Arapiles with the hardest pitches being 19 18 18 15. The new araps guidebook has offered a couple of top twelve lists that can be done in a day as well. The Summit Fever Day bags twelve prominent peaks at a moderate grade and the chimney day hits twelve cool chasms with the hardest pitch being lucky 13. Another goal of Sanchez Chavez is to tick every route in the guide 12 and under. Not in a day, silly.

So there I was. De-pulleyed middle finger. An unintentional swollen fuck-you to climbing anything hard in the near future. However, it wasnt entirely hopeless. Sanchez Carlos had done some research on finger injuries. When I say "research" I mean he had done a thorough perusal of relevant internet websites and then consulted the best climbing osteopath in Australia (who happened to be camping next to us in the gums). Carlos gave me three articles which he thought were helpful. Apparently, the consensus is that complete cessation of climbing is BAD. This I knew. But quitting climbing is also bad for recovery. YAY! The idea is to ratchet down the climbing grade and try to use an open handed grip as much as possible. This is when I looked more closely at the idea of climbing all the grade 12 and unders.

I had a half day of work at bushrangers the next day so after saying "good riddance" to the childrens, I stripped down to my stubbies and soloed all the routes 12 and under, then went by dec crag, and the atridae and did likewise. WOW! No pain in the finger and ticked off alot of climbs! Its wierd soloing with a rope on your back but I dont think downclimbs "count" and its quicker to rap. Thusly psyched I went back to camp and planned a DAY OF SOLOING!

Woke up early with all intentions of beating the sun to the cliff. A second cup of tea and a second game of chess with Anna slowed me down a bit. By the time I got started Tiger Wall was in the sun. Oh well. It was eagle cleft direct. A cool chimney. So I stripped down to my stubbies and climbed up with a rope tied on like a backpack. I fixed it on Ali's decent for the rest of the climbs. One after the next went by. Lots of fun. Climb up, scramble a bit. Rap down. Run back to my gear. Turn on the stereo. Drink water. Read the route description. Climb up. Repeat. Then onto the front of the Pharos, etc. The climbs went by fairly well with a few exceptions. Mind you, this is a comprehensive list (of the selected best 2nd edition) of all routes 12 and under so a few not-so-greats are still mandatory climbing. This troublesome aspect started to wear on me. After climbing some shitty 11 and walking by my mates ollie and jed as they climbed the classic Huey, so that I could solo another shitty 11 and then finish up on Jeckle (easy easy 7 slab), I gave up on the day. Ran out of motivation and got tired. Still it was around 40 pitches soloed. And my finger was fine!

This brings me to Syrinx. First- its a good climb. 3 stars. An easy solo. Fun. To the dumb ass that got dehydrated on it last friday; you suck. To his mate, the guy following who wrote that story about it- YOUR AWESOME! What a funny story. Second- What the fuck is up with the plaque at the base? (for those that dont know, there is a plaque commemorating a cop who died "after he fell" somewhere on Syrinx) At its grade (10) Syrinx is one of the best, well protected climbs IN THE WORLD. Most of the people who read this plaque don't know the guy and probably dont care, so it is ultimately acting as a warning to people. But a warning for what? The climb is super safe. As safe as any climb. Far safer than smoking, which kills alot more cops than climbing. Basically what this plaque says about the guy who died is-"I was an idiot who fucked up a real easy climb and died. Please remember how stupid I was as you cruise up this timeless classic." To the family or whoever put it up- Thanks for sharing with the climbing world how useless this cop was at climbing. Actually, the climb should get another star for killing a cop.

THE END

Leftover Crack

2009-10-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

The shittiest punk band from the USA (which makes it the best punk band in oz) is coming! With songs like Stop the Insanity Lets End Humanity and One Dead Cop they share something special with people from all walks of life. See ya at the arthouse fags.

13th Nov @ Hyde Park Hotel, Perth
14th Nov @ Fowlers Live, Adelaide
15th Nov @ The Arthouse, Melbourne
16th Nov @ Bald Face Stag, Sydney
19th Nov @ Hi-Fi Bar, Brisbane
20th Nov @ Nightlife, Gold Coast
22nd Nov @ Transmission Room, Auckland

http://www.leftovercrack.org/

Barber Shop of Horrors

2009-10-02T00:24:00.000-07:00

Last year I was climbing at Frog Buttress with a friend Merry. Merry is a male and it is a nickname. Although he does look a bit like the actor portraying the cousin of Frodo in the not-so-recent Lord of the Rings movie, Merry is an appropriate adjective of his disposition. The first thing we climbed together was a new route we put up on the far left of the buttress. It was a horrible chossy off-width that we called Beelzebub's Left Testicle. This was in keeping in line with the crags "satanic" naming convention, i.e., Satan's Smokestack, Devil's Dihedral. Besides the fact that he was almost annoyingly cheerful, watching him claw his way up that shitty offwidth, I realized I kind of liked the guy.

After climbing together a few more days at Frog, we talked about doing all of the routes Henry Barber did the first free ascent of in one day. (If you don't know who Henry Barber is, google it.) After local Gareth Lewellyn showed up one day and told us he had attempted this "Henry Barber Day" and failed due to his partners swollen feet, our fate was sealed....
WE SWORE, OVER HENRY BARBERS GRAVE, THAT WE WOULD CLIMB ALL OF HIS ROUTES IN ONE DAY!

Well, we failed miserably.

6:30 start in the rain. First Route Child in Time. I lead the route free, Merry freed and cleaned, then we rapped off in less than 30 minutes. Nice start. Next route was Venom. Off Width. One #5 Friend. (If you are wondering, that is not enough gear.) Merry gets passed the offwidth with the friend a LOOOOOONG way away. He only has one crimper move to go! His fingers decide to give up. Big fall. Rope starts flaking itself out in front of me. I take in twice then jump off. Somehow I hurt my fingers in the process. The day is fucked. HENRY is fucking us from the grave! We get drunk. Henry was impressed. The bastard.

So then I find myself at Frog, dodging cunty rangers and shacked up with a beautiful german girl who is keen to belay me on all 15 pitches. What a woman! All I have to do is lead then rap-clean the routes! Too easy! Nail the first 5 pitches in pace time then my knee blows out. HOW? WHY? It must be the ghost of Henry Barber! My knee has NEVER failed me before. Ruined. RUINED!!! Then the rangers set in on us like flies on shit... Actually, like asshole fuckhead ranger bitches on a couple of rock climbers trying to climb.

TAKE 3 on the HB DAY.

A month ago me and Merry are at araps and the story of our horrible failure at Frog comes up. "Wait a minute", we think. "HB climbed at araps!!" The realization dawned on us like a precious ray of sunshine after a week of rain. Actually, the 13 year drought had broken in the wimmera and this was the nicest day in a while. It sickens me to walk around Horsham in the rain with a bunch of smug-ass farmers grinning stupidly at each other saying shit like "Would ya just look at all that?", or even worse, "Drought aint over yet, mate!" After the storms, we tallied up the routes, consulted several guide books and a 1975 issue of Argus, and over a J recruited two teams of two for the mission.

Guess what happened? Yep. Failure. AGAIN!!! FUCK!!!

On the Henry Barber Arapiles list is a climb called Kama Sutra. Its a wide crack through a roof. I like it. Well, Merry was teemed with Grug. And after me and Danny came down from Taste of Honey and Kachoong RHV we climbed Thundercrack then came around to witness Merry repeatedly whipping off KS after much grunting and struggling. Danny pulled the pin right there. No way was he climbing that thing. He saw something else besides a young kiwi getting repeatedly shit out of a metamorphic sandstone asshole like some kind of oversized slippery suppository... It was the GHOST OF HENRY BARBER!!!!! Danny Danny Danny. Cursed forevermore by the mustachioed countenance of the crack climbing master. The last time I saw Danny he was pulling breakfast billies. Time before that, he was wearing a wig and off his face on mushrooms. A soul tormented by the demons of the past and a head wasted by expensive drugs and cheap hairpieces. I cry for you Danny Boy.

OK here is the happy ending you have been waiting for. HB day TAKE FOUR! Its just me and Merry this time. We get up early and borrow a friends car he is borrowing from friends. Through rain storms and bullshit, and dodging a #4 camalot thrown at us by a burnt-out guide book author, we got them all! The ghost of Henry Barber BE DAMNED!!! We exorcised those demons! And even though we lost poor poor Danny. I didn't fall once.

THE END.

2009-08-18T22:54:00.000-07:00

Back in Nowra. Today I looked through some trash I found in a cave and it turns out it was an old shoplifting list I made the last time I was crusting it in lot 33! That trip involved falling down a hill drunk. The old mattress I was sleeping on had been unceromoniously tossed down the embankment and now rests in front of a cave the boulderers use a shitter.

I just spent the last 7 weeks in queensland with grug and anna. The story goes that we left fruit picking near Gaynda, QLD to go live in a Donger deeper up in Queensland. How fucking gay can you get? So all the tough butch tradies in Queensland call caravans "dongas". And they try to cram as many people inside them as possible.

Debrilla

2009-07-17T20:04:00.001-07:00

Last year I ran into Mike Law at Nowra (yes, the first guy who started wearing lycra while rock climbing). I told him I was going to Frog next. He recommended a climb called Debrilla. It’s a bolted arête that goes at 28. He said he had been back recently and replaced the bolts. None too soon! Apparently one came out by hand. So then he gets to talking about the route and how it got its name. Pretty brave of Mike considering the story involved an ex-girlfriend and his new wife was in direct line of ear-shot.

So the story goes thusly… Mike was at the time (the deepest darkest neon-greenest 80’s) smitten by a woman who had the lucky job of masturbating prize-winning greyhounds for their future prize-producing sperm. What does giving hand jobs to skinny dogs have to do with climbing? Silly question really.

Allow me to paint a picture. Imagine in front of you are two examination benches about waste high. On each bench is a greyhound sitting on hind legs and facing you. Perhaps kept upright and in place by some kind of doggy bondage harness. Being an efficient practitioner of your trade you are able to “milk” these bones simultaneously, one in each hand.

Now imagine you are climbing up a blunt arête that is a little over 1 metre across. You must keep your elbows near your hips for more secure grip as you paw at the opposing edges with each hand, making desperate little pumps, inching your way up the climb. I think the comparison is pretty damn obvious.

All in all, an inspiring name for a rock climb. Mike says Debrilla’s not a bad route either.

D.V., D.A., D.O., D.N., D.T.F., D.S.P., D.K.D.B.B.

2009-07-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

Porno Pedigree.

Who gives a shit about B.S. Sci., PhD., Blah. blah. blah., etc. ad nauseum after your name. This is real cred.

The list:
Double Vaginal/Double Anal/Double Oral/Double Nostril/Double Titty-Fuck/Double Ski-Poles/Double-Korean-Double-Ball-Bagging

Wisdom lost Freedom gained

2009-06-12T13:30:00.000-07:00

Finally, sweet release.

Anna had all her wisdom teeth extracted yesterday morning under general anesthetic. She is currently making us breakfast, so hats off to the oral surgeon. He earned every one of his $2,047... give or take.

This was the only reason we came to the cesspool known as Brisbane. Soon we will leave for Frog Buttress. And its about fucking time. The last few days in the city have made me realize that I cannot possibly work here. The current plan is to stay at Frog until I am completely broke, then borrow money until no one will talk to me, then hitch hike back to araps where I can live with squibly and work as a nude model, then MAYBE pick fruit.

After having some condescending pommy bitch tell me that they will not go through with Anna's surgery because we intended to use public transport to get back to the hostel, then wanting to know if I had enough money for a taxi...This after Anna payed their hospital over $1000 cash to stay for about five hours. Interesting that the hospital charges way more than the most expensive hotel in the city but will not provide any kind of transport and then makes such a big deal about us using the train to LEAVE, as if they really give a shit. If you paid $1000 a night at any hotel in the city, they would drive a fucking limo to pick you up. Then after getting the worse case of flee bites Ive had since I was a kid living in a trailer with 3 cats and a rat farm. It was like pulling teeth to get the manager of our hostel to give us one measly night free... Then finally after walking the 40 minutes to kangaroo point through Brunswick's "red light" street(its not big enough to be a district)for the 10th time to go what barely passes for climbing but forgetting ONE shoe... Thats it. Fuck the city.

I have used the city for the only thing its good for. I bought a thirty box of Me Goreng noodles and stole everything I could fit in my bag from the hostel.

Arapiles the Musical

2009-06-11T00:44:00.000-07:00

Ehem Ehem Ehem!

A new musical creation! So much fun! Dancing,singing,wax bombs! My favorite kind of fun involves the distinct possibility of serious injury. If you can couple that with sex, all the better. Climbing, anyone?

So what better way to celebrate the best thing this sorry little life has to offer than a musical? ... A musical about Arapiles!!! I dont want to tute my own proverbial trumpet, boys and girls. However, I predict that we will make a strong contender for 'Entry of the Year' in November at the NATIMUK FRINGE FESTIVAL! Come one and all!

Oh yeah... The budget for this movie was 9 bottles of spirits, a case of beer, and 2 boxes of wine. Get more details from www.deanoclimbs.blogspot.com

flee bitten in brisbane with love

2009-06-11T00:23:00.000-07:00

2 months living in the dirt of mt arapiles and I had an impeccable constitution. There was the occasional mice infestation but nothing bubonic. I even escaped swine flu.

ONE NIGHT in civilization and I get half my body covered in flee bites. What really hurts is that I fucking paid for it! Shitty backpackers. I should have slept in front of the porno shop. Its free and there are less vermin.

The Kangaroo Point cliffs are interesting. First off, you must climb at night to avoid the Queensland heat. Even in June. Off the deck you usually get a healthy 4 meters to a questionable first bolt. In between the spacey gear you wait for an obligatory whisper of, "rope" to drift down from the top of the cliff a split second before a thick static is lobbed down upon you. (the kids mostly toprope at KP) Meanwhile you struggle to spontaneously evolve infravision while climbing in the shadows cast by the 14000 watt stadium lighting rigged at the base of the cliff, which incidentally blinds you when you look down for footholds.

At least there are fit girls running by at a steady pace.

The last time I was here, an old man passed out and died at the base of the cliffs at Kangaroo Point. The ambulance came and quietly took the corpse away. Perhaps god can do the same for the city of Brisbane. It is a shitty place.

Antics.

2009-05-24T23:32:00.000-07:00

Rain and Lucy's birthday forced us out of the pines. The party in Beaufort was interesting. We got hammered. Very hammered. The morning was slow but productive. Gin and tonics around! Then we made eggs. 2 dozen to be precise. Fried, scrambled and a blue cheese omellete. Plus pancakes. And then off to the shop for gin and tonic. Then creme brulle was concocted. Then off to the shop for Ginger beer and Whiskey!

Lucy's family showed up and it was fun for all. After the Thai green curry and roast beef we had a bit of dancing. Im learning the waltz.

This morning I am hungover. Camp is wet. Morale is down.

Why I like climbing.

2009-05-19T22:31:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up and said good morning to Anna. Then I made a 6 egg omelet. I watched as a team of stoned kiwis assembled a flying fox through the campground. Then I had a jam session with Grug. We played some Zappa then Python then finished off with The Gambler. I ended up taking off my clothes and kicking dirt around. Then we walked up to cobwebs gully and had a look at doug climbing the same. Almost got it. I got the photo anyway. Back to the pines. Pile in a borrowed car and hit up the Sham for supplies. Shared a shower with Anna at the Royal. Its a drought. Im no hero, just doing my bit. Its a 21st B-day tomorrow(2-minute noodles the canadian girl) then we are having an art exhibition Friday then saturday its another all nighter b-day party at my Friend Lucy's place in Beaufort. Her sister owns a brewery.

Off to the bins for free food and beer! Its a magical life!

QUIT YOUR FUCKING JOBS NOW AND GO CLIMBING!

Why I hate India.

2009-05-19T22:21:00.000-07:00

India is a smelly place. It is covered in bird shit and has those tiny little millipedes crawling all over that also stink quite a bit. I also hate the country if there was any ambiguity. However, for the moment let us discuss the climb known as India. It is painful. Its not easy.

Unless your Dick from Vagalaids(thats Nick from Adalade). He got it second shot. Of course ANYONE could redpoint India quick if you only ever climbed and drank water. He also got Cobwebs in a few tries. Because hes lucky and of course only drinks water. I never saw him eat anything. Actually hes a nice guy.

Day like 23 on fucking India. I have 6 cans of curry paste in my tent. I like Indian food. I just hate India.

Its only half a route anyway. Its half of Etheopia. Thats how shitty India is. Its HALF of Etheopia. Thats like dividing zero. Fuck India.

Nowra Bogans Go Clubbing At Arapiles

2009-04-29T20:07:00.000-07:00

Apparently the pines needs a bouncer. After another Tasmanian sent Serpentine, Grug this time, we decided to have a little party. Just a small gathering. One guitar. A couple renditions of Kum Ba Yah m'lord and a few quiet longnecks of homebrew. We were completely unprepared for the onslaught that was about to unfold.

Out of the darkness charged a crue of brawlers wearing leather loin cloths and hockey masks and weilding oversize mallets. Grug was the first to go down. His decapitated head bounced off his guitar and into the fire. His headless body still trying to play a couple last chords.

I was next. As I had been silently meditating, I was in a prone position. Grugs death came so quick I had little time to react. I heard the biggest one grumble,"Grunthar! Thog! Get that one!" I tried to fend them off by quietly praying but it was to no avail. With many many mallet blows, they smashed by body into an unrecognizable bloody pulp.

As I was dead at that point I have no recollection of further events. I assume they killed everyone in the pines then moved onto the gums and the rest of the greater Wimmera region.

Im typing this entry by channeling my soul into a Latrobe Uni student named Tina. Shes into motorcycles and unicorns and will be at the pines next week if your interested.

Festy Goats and a Bag of Goon

2009-04-27T00:08:00.000-07:00

We went to the GoatFest. If you were there, I was the guy in THE BACK making all the noise. The guy in the front was Grug. So I think between us we pissed off the entire audience! It was like listening to assholes in stereo. For those who dont know, the Goatfest was a movie festival that featured climbing movies. Simon Mentz's penis was involved. Well this thing was boring as shit. Luckily I brought a bag of port and got really trashed. I was politely asked to leave a couple times, then not so politely, then finally thrown out. I was leaving anyway.

Stuck at the pines in the rain. We spent the day arranging two massive tarps. The outcome is we have created a 50 gallon water catchment system. The only bright spot in this horrible weather(arent we suppose to be in a drought?)is Jedi shows up tonight with 4 more cartons of beer! And more girls!! Woo Hoo!

SERPENTINE HAS BEEN SLAIN!!!!!

2009-04-23T18:43:00.000-07:00

HEAR YE! HEAR YE!

The climb formerly known as Serpentine has had an OFFICIAL name change! It is now known as Crazy John's Bitch! Oh yeah! Sent it! DRUNK!

So here is "The Story":

Doug and me go out to Tai Pan to have a play on this route called Serpentine. You may have heard of it. Anyways, Doug casually sends the thing first shot of the day!!! Woo hoo! Much rejoicing. Then I have a burn but get spat off of the second crux. Lamesville. Pull back on and get to the top. Big deal you may say? BAH! I know this one is in the bag! TIME FOR MUCH REJOICING!

Back to Scrapholebum Campground. We got the music going and a couple homebrews cracked. And who shows up but some pumped up jock douchebag schoolgroup leader. He was not impressed with the Doors/psy-transe mix. So this was the first of several 'interventions' orchestrated by our steroid abusing mate through out the day with some meetings having the kids in adjournment. Needless to say, I got very very drunk. The whole thing ended in tears. I finally shut down negotiations when I stated that I was sending Serpentine (the kids surely having no clue what this meant) in the morning and after that I was going to get a bunch of drugs and have a massive loud party and if they didn't like it they could get fucked. Then a few hours later I passed out.

In the morning I had three packs of megoreng noodles and a belly full of beer. Me and grug stumble off to Tai Pan. I forgot my water. I was still drunk. At the bottom of the route, we made a game plan for the climb. I told Grug that we would have it to ourselves and if any Eurotrash douchebags wanted to get on they would have to climb the first pitch because they could not use our rope to jug up! On to the boulder traverse warm up and there we find the three American climbers: Mike, Dave and Katy. They ask what we are doing and I, in no uncertain terms, inform them that we are climbing Serpentine and going to fucking send it. A slight altercation ensues about who was first to the climb. Coming off of the previous nights display in diplomacy I exhibit an even less subtle approach and go on a weird diatribe involving some kind of vague metaphor about a bus stop! Eventually I do a couple pullups then run off. Then it dawns on me that I am an asshole, so I go back and apologize, saying that, "Of course you can use our rope. Of course you can climb first. Im sorry Im still drunk and really excited, blah blah blah." Everything is cool and we get on first.

On the route I am shaking like a dog shitting razor blades. I somehow pull the first crux. Yippee! Now I know that all eyes are on me after that little rant down below. The alcohol is working its magic though and Im climbing like a man possessed! I nail the second crux! This is amazing! Im going to send! Grug had previously named the last hold on the climb E.T. cuz it kinda looks like the little aliens head. So I scream out at him as Im resting on the last jugs, "Im coming for you E.T. and Im going to squish your FUCKING BRAINS!" So I pull down on his little head and make it too the top!!! HOLY SHIT!!! WOOOOO!!!! I black out.

So I ask grug for a minute. I start to weep a bit. Then I get my shit together look around, ask gurg if hes ready then JUMP OFF!!! Victory jump forever! Two screams!

Then grug has a shot, he works out a bunch of moves. Meantime Team America sets off up the first pitch. Mike hangs at the crux then at the traverse he goes for some suck in Victorian chalk and whips off! Holy Mary! What a fall! Little Katy has been chatting up Dave at the bottom so our friend takes a tree pruning sideways fall out of view! What fun!

Anywho, back to the campground. got drunk and went back to Araps. Looks like rainng for the next four days. The plan is two boxes of wine and ten large tarps. Should be boring as fuck. Stay tuned kids! The fun is just heating up!

2009-04-14T19:14:00.000-07:00

SOBRIETY SUCKS!!!!!
So Bry IT tea sux!! IT SUXKSSS!!!

Made it to Victoria. Woop fucking ee. When I get my next Dole check people I promise to put up some photographs. The most memorable image I have witnessed was Gay Dave falling out off the top of Monkey Puzzle *AKA Spunkey Guzzle* because of "calf failure" from the knee bar. This does not help in the defence of knee bars not being gay. Thanks Gay Dave.

Runner up image missed was Gay Dave again getting his car stuck at Scrapholebum Campground in front of a thousand onlookers. However, Deano-the-ever-vigilant was there with the camera so it has not gone undocumented! Check his blog for full details. www.deanoclimbs.blogspot.com

Then some Euro named Tom took the fall from the chains of Groovy! Fucking hilarious! He swore in like ten different languages. A camera would have been good just to record the ranting.

On the retarded Victorian front; the first pitch of Serpentine seemed to involve a huge move sideways to the shittiest hold in Australia. However, one metre up was a completely unused hold I could wrap most of my hand around. Hats off to you boys for fucking up once again. After we got up there, Pedro the Mulleted Penis had a crack at onsighting the second pitch. HOLY SHIT!!!! What fun! He fell at the first bolt, but it was probably the best bit of climbing Victoria has ever seen. Which isnt saying much. Sorry Dean.

The Sham is as Nayish as ever. Araps at Easter is not worth talking about. Tai Pan is the best place on the plantet. I feel sorry for everyone who is not on this trip with us. The constant jokes about germans, trumpet playing Americans, violin playing Australians, fart tennis, not drinking, noodles for breakfast, properly packaged bin food, BIN DIVED BEER. I could go on.

Soon my friends. Serpentine will be sent. Then the drinking will begin. Life will continue.

The Night Before Christmas

2009-04-07T01:21:00.000-07:00

Hello Kids! 2morrow i leave on a big ol' jet airliner for Melbs. Another araps trip. Not just another trip really, it is THE trip. I even quit drinking! Not to worry, Deano is boarding the spirit with 4.5 milk crates of home brew and Jedi is driving over with another 4. The send party for Serpentine will be LEGENDARY!

So why a blog? After all these years of anonymity I have decided to finally let the outside world glimpse a slice of heaven, i.e. my life, from time to time. Thats bullshit of course. The real reasons are sobriety, boredom,and too much tea. I would also like a journal for the next 6 months cuz it will be a very nice little trip.

Here I am, last night in Hobart. Every other time I left for a big trip it has been a big party. People are generally quite happy to see me leave! Im usually wasted off my tits and need help getting into the plane. But here I am stone cold sober and all alone. Im so excited, i feel like a kid on christmas eve! Well, the tick list is long. I hope Santa likes homebrew! Not that I need that fat mans help. Sobriety,sex, blood, lots of avoiding employment and eating tons of bin food. Ive been training hard!

As faggy little fagbart fades in the southern horizon, i bid you all a fond farewell. See ya at Tai Pan mutha fuckas!